


I'M No Mercy   | Changkyun | Monsta X

by KimTanAnukite



Series: Monsta x Angst Works Collection [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, IM, Idols, Minor Violence, No Mercy, OT7, Starship - Freeform, kpop, monsta x - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-05-20 06:37:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19371382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KimTanAnukite/pseuds/KimTanAnukite
Summary: [...] In my head I kept calling them mister,When they loved to hear me say hyung [...]"I know it's hard for you to open to me, so even if it's little by little, when you guys come talk to me..."All eyes on the screen."To be honest, it's been so hard and lonely for me . I got very emotional, but I became hopeful that I can approach the other guys... I'm sure if I hold my hand out first they'll take it at some point."Six pairs of eyes on Changkyun.





	1. I am Changkyun

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATES EVERY SUNDAY AND THURSDAY (if I post in Friday it's because I won't have internet on the weekend and won't be able to post on Sunday)
> 
> The story is based a bit on the show and some interactions on video among Monsta X members, but the rest is all fan-fiction.

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

 

It was, indeed, beyond merciless. Cruel. Not only for the three trainees that had been eliminated so far, not only for the nine guys left, but for the new trainee as well. He came, indeed, in the worst timing.

Contrary to some trainees' beliefs, when he was offered the opportunity to join the competition, Changkyun didn't accept right away; he had always said rather than worrying, it is better to try it out first and then worry about the future later. This time, however, he took some days to consider it; he thought of Nu'Bility, and what it could've been; he thought of his members, his hyungs and his maknae, they all deserved to debut, to have a second chance; he thought of his family, their struggle, their dreams of him becoming a scientist; he thought of himself, the entertainment industry, his dreams to become a known rapper. This opportunity presented to him, was his last chance to become an idol. And that's why he accepted, for himself, for his happiness. Starship called him in without explaining what they had prepared for him, but whatever it was, he would take the chance.

He was explained about him joining No Mercy just as they were coming into the restaurant. The matter was, Changkyun came to the show only some hours after Minkyun had been eliminated, and K.Will didn't prepared him for the trainees' reaction on his sudden arrival.

Not all of them looked up as Changkyun came into the room, but they all stopped eating, having lost their appetite. Only some of them bowed, the rest huffed or smirked turning their heads away. It was more than clear that they weren't pleased with his presence, Changkyun would hear them express their feelings later when the episode was aired, and it wouldn't hurt less than if they'd said those words to his face.

 

I didn't want to look at the new kid's face..

I can't think anything else but 'this is unfair.'

This isn't his spot, so what's he doing here?

 

He couldn't hear his own words greeting the trainees, the blood rushing in his ears. Not remembering being told, he was already sitting in the table with them, the most awkward moment he'd been through.

Changkyun understood why he was being ignored, he was not stupid and wasn't expecting them to accept him right away; however the trainees couldn't hide their feelings even behind their covered faces, their raged glances making him feel way smaller. He could almost hear their thoughts behind his own anxiety.

 

I felt like he was freeloading on what we've set up so far..

I was too upset, I was in a terrible mood, I lost my appetite and all...

What else can we do but hate right now?

 

And then K.Will left. He throw him to the wolves and left. The guys started making sarcastic comments on the situation that did nothing to light the tense atmosphere. Guilt filled Changkyun when one of them said he even felt sick; but it wasn't really his fault, he didn't know he'd be introduced to them in the middle of their dinner, he had no intention to ruin their meal.

"You came at the worst timing," Wonho was the one to finally address him directly.

"We can't really welcome you right now," said Kihyun.

The right timing when they'd have welcome him would've been months before the show even started. However Changkyun appreciated Kihyun gentle tone.

"Because we lost Minkyun yesterday" he continued, his statement being news for the youngest since the episode hadn't been aired yet, "and to think you replaced him, we can't quite be all nice to you." And Changkyun perfectly understood this, but it didn't help to make better the rest of the time before going back to the dorms.

~*~

At dorms he tried to get out of everyone's way in the reduced space, expecting one of them to show him were he'd be staying so he could busy himself with placing his stuff in his new home.

That's when they realized Minkyun had left while they were out eating BBQ and meeting the new trainee, and Changkyun just wanted to get out of there, feeling like an intruder. The rest of the guys gathered in the living room and talked about the situation, and about him, knowing that Changkyun was in the hall listening. It didn't matter, he just wanted the cameras to go away so he could pull out his phone and call one of his hyungs. They knew he did nothing wrong, and it was okay to be frustrated, all of them wanted to debut, so he expected them to at least let their emotions behind in front of the cameras. Kihyun stood up and told him to join them, but he didn't comeback once he sat down, and then the rest left one by one as well.

He knew it was difficult for them to open up to him, it was his duty to work to get along, even if they didn't want to be friends at first.

That didn't make his first night in the dorm any easier; the rapper went to bed with an empty stomach and an overwhelmed mind, the noise of the trainees who had decided to sleep together in the living room as background to the silence in the room he was currently trying to sleep in.

He was about to call Taehyuk when Kihyun came into the room to grab some blankets from the bed underneath him and left the door open as he went back to the living room, now the guys could see him. So Changkyun decided to decline on calling, and try and sleep.

The next morning at the company, Changkyun wasn't sure he'd ever get used to the cameras and staff watching his every move, and as soon as they weren't behind him in the building he received ill words and hear stupid rumors about his joining the show.

He was never promised a place in the debuting band, and he didn't payed in any way one of the producers to get this. He had been a trainee for over two years, he had almost debuted already, so he was able to get a place in the Starship family by himself.

~*~

Another trainee was eliminated.

And it wasn't Changkyun.

Of course the rapper was happy at not being eliminated right after joining the company and proving he could be better than Gunhee, but at the same time he felt inside the disappointment and frustration of the remaining eight trainees.

Yoonho had been so nice to him; and he had been a trainee for six years now.

You can't give up, he thought as Minhyuk pushed past him in their way out of the company.

"Shouldn't you stay here tonight? Some of us have trained for years for you to come without preparation and take our places."

The rapper stuttered in his steps but couldn't turn around and back into the building before a strong hand in his lower back pushed him forward, "We've all worked hard today, Minnie."

Minhyuk rolled his eyes at Hyunwoo words but let it go.

"Thank you," Changkyun followed Hyunwoo inside the dorms. Just like Kihyun, the eldest hadn't been exactly nice to Changkyun during his time in the show, but at least he wasn't being rude or taking out frustrations on him.

Hyungwon was pretty much ignoring him in front of the cameras, only demonstrating his displeasure when Changkyun wasn't in the room, the rapper had heard him talking with Minhyuk about him. The latter couldn't stand Changkyun's presence for more than a few minutes, which made breakfast time very awkward for everyone. Along Minhyuk, Wonho was the other one trainee that wouldn't care if Changkyun was going through hardships, controlling himself not to hit the rapper every time Changkyun messed up the choreography. Of course Seokwon wasn't calling him hyung, but he would smile to Changkyun when one of their hyungs complained about him in any way.

At the company, Jooheon was actually helping him with his rap, giving advise and helping him with the pronunciation, but in the dorms he was completely ignored by the older. The other rapper, Gunhee, was probably the only one being actually friendly after Yoonho was eliminated. Changkyun appreciated small gestures like encouraging words and him helping the younger when it was their turn to prepare the table or wash the dishes. He really appreciated to earn laughs and not punches or stares at his awkwardness while recording; they still didn't interact much with him but at least he felt more included.

"Can you place these in the table?"

The rapper nodded and took the dishes from Kihyun.

"Smells good Kihyun-ssi."

"Thanks."

"I'm starving," the visual line came into the kitchen greeting Kihyun.

"Where's the rest?"

Changkyun was silently paying attention to the conversation, enjoying the food Kihyun had prepared for dinner.

"Hyunwoo-hyung is in the gym, last time i checked Gun and Jooheonie were in the studio writing something but said they'll come early, and Seok decided to stay behind to practice some more."

Kihyun hummed at Hyungwon words and sat beside the youngest, where usually no one sat, and Changkyun noticed the rest was confused as well.

"What?" he asked with attention still on the food in front of him.

Wonho shook his head but glared at Changkyun, "Was the kid of any help to you today?"

Kihyun lifted his head and turned to Changkyun before shaking his head, "he came home right before you guys did."

"Where were you?" asked Hyungwon.

It was the first time they showed interest, and the rapper didn't know if they really wanted to know or they were up to something. It was their first free day since he arrived to Starship and he had decided to spend that time with his ex-members. But he was not ready to tell them about Nu'Bility, rumors around the company were lately on how he had messed up in his past company, it wouldn't make much sense if he told them he was still hanging out with them.

"I went out with some friends," he said half of the truth.

"You know you have to tell one of us where you are going before heading out, the managers would blame it on us if something happened to you," Wonho's tone was gentle, but Changkyun read between the lines, they didn't want to know he was safe, they needed to be sure the blame wouldn't be on them.

"Yes."

That night Changkyun went to bed while everyone else was watching a movie and eating pop corn in the living room; their laughs and loud voices reminded him of his days with Nu'Bility.

Changkyun had never felt more lonely.


	2. I am Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ♡ I wasn't going to use honorifics because I'm still learning their use, but they carry a lot of meaning for this story and plot so, please correct me if I am misusing them ♥

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

"The sixth trainee to debut is... IM-"

Changkyun felt dizzy as his name was called; he couldn't stand straight, but managed to make it to the front, avoiding the looks of the other members. When he heard there were two spots left he didn't think either was his, it was a surprise. His dream to debut was once again possible, but he didn't put his hopes up in case there had been a mistake in the announcing of the winners.

The last member was announced and Changkyun could not longer hear anything but his thoughts, thinking of Gunhee and Jooheon. They had promised to debut together, the group would be having only two rappers, and Changkyun wanted to believe he had earn his spot, but he couldn't get rid of the voices telling him it was Gunhee's place, not his. He had been in a group with Hyunwoo, Wonho, and Jooheon before No.Mercy, and now they'd be debuting without him.

Hearing Wonho and Kihyun unable to complete their sentences due to sadness, he couldn't lift his eyes from the floor. But as a rapper, Jooheon's words made him feel rather guilty, "It's... been my dream to rap on stage together, and #GUN's too... I'm sorry we can't make it come true..."

Then he was reminded that he couldn't feel safe or happy yet, this was just a chance to debut, they weren't idols yet, they still had a long path filled with difficulties and challenges to go before his dreams were near to become true. Changkyun kept his head down as they looked at each other, it was only the seven of them now. They were supposed to be a team, they were each others' only hope of support from now on.

Changkyun stood behind Hyunwoo waiting for K.Will who was congratulating the final line up of the survival show. "How are you feeling?"

"I can't believe I made it, I- Gunhee-" his face was now covered in tears as he let the older embrace him.

"Changkyun-ah, you earned this place in the group; you are talented enough to debut and be a recognized idol. I'm not alien to the rumors going on at the company; do not let them get to you, don't mess up this opportunity. Prove them and your members that you deserve this."

"Yes, K.Will-ssi," he tried to step away from the hug.

"Call me hyung, but not in front of the CEO or other managers, okay?" he laughed and let go of Changkyun. "Congratulations, now go celebrate with your members, after today free time would be limited to non-existent."

"Thank you."

As soon as his gaze crossed Jooheon's his head dropped back down. Minhyuk approached him as well and he feared they'd recall this wasn't his spot, but he also saw a cameraman behind them. "You have to work hard, alright?" Jooheon placed his right arm around the youngest shoulders.

"Yes," hyung.

~*~

Three months.

The debut date was set, they only had three months to get ready. It was his last chance.

After calling his parents, Changkyun wanted to call his friends, but decided against it when a feeling of betrayal filled him. Would they be happy about him debuting while they hadn't had a chance?

Why wouldn't they be happy. They loved him and wanted the best for him, right?

"Changkyun?"

"Yes."

Kihyun was leaning on the door frame, "We are going out to eat and celebrate, are you coming?"

"I- I think I'll take a shower and then go to bed, Kihyun-ssi; it's been a long day" he begged his stomach not to give away how hungry he felt at the mention of food.

"Okay.. Gun and Seok left already, you sure you'll be fine by yourself?" he sounded genuinely concerned, perhaps it was only Changkyun's mind in need of affection. He wanted to shake his head and share his thoughts with Kihyun but didn't feel comfortable enough to do such an intimate thing.

Instead he nodded and open his drawer to take some clean clothes to wear after shower.

"If you need anything, call me or Hyunwoo-hyung; if you are hungry there's some pizza leftovers in the fridge, just don't eat them frozen, please."

"Thank you, Kihyun-ssi."

"Hyung," he corrected, "Kyun-ah, you are the maknae now."

Changkyun waited for the other male to leave to let the tears run down his face.

Two hours and a cup of tea later, Changkyun sat in the living room with his laptop on and started a video call. "Changkyun-hyung!" The rapper regretted using headphones as Jongyeon's scream pierced his ears.

"Jong!" Byunghwa nagged.

"Kyun-ah I just saw the latest episode of No.Mercy; why didn't you call us before? Are they still treating you bad? Do you need hyung to go now and make them feel worse?" the eldest seemed ready to fight starship trainees.

"No, I mean. They are not that bad, you have to understand how they feel, it was me who came-"

"Don't you go there" Jeongwook stopped him. "Don't you dare blame yourself or excuse their behavior."

Changkyun sighed, "it's okay hyung; however, it's not the reason why I called. I- today was the last mission, remember? The final line up members were meant to be announced tomorrow, but they did it today, so-"

"You made it hyung, didn't you?"

"I-"

"Oh my God, congratulations! I can't believe you didn't tell us before!"

"It was just-"

"Hyung we have to celebrate it! I am so happy-"

"Yeon, shut up; we are all happy about Kyun-ah, but let him talk."

"Thanks Byung-hyung; yes, I made it, but Gunhee didn't.." his eyes trailed down.

"I see the problem.. Changkyun, you deserve this second chance, don't overthink it, take the chance and make us proud," Byunghwa placed his hand in the computer and the rest copied his action. "We love you, and if you feel overwhelmed or pressured, don't hesitate on reaching one of us." Changkyun nodded with a smile, he really missed his friends and wanted to go back to them.

"Don't forget to eat well and have good rest, I know you, don't overwork yourself, we know you tend to do so."


	3. I am here

The next months were just as K.Will promised: with little to no free time. No time to go out with his friends, no time to rest between schedules, and not even enough time to sleep properly.

"Stop messing up the choreography Changkyun! We don't have time to start over, let's finish this one."

"I told you you should stay overnight to practice," Minhyuk was not the best dancer of the group but he was definitely not the worst. That one was Changkyun.

He had been up all night trying to fix his verses and had missed breakfast. He didn't have the energy to keep up with the group's moved dance. His legs were heavy and his head was pounding.

"We are finished here; Honey and Changkyun, you can leave now and work in your raps or stay here and practice a bit more," Hyunwoo said looking at Changkyun in the eye, "the rest of us have vocal practice, and then I have a meeting with the managers, I'll hopefully come home on time for dinner."

Kihyun gave Changkyun a reassuring smile and left after the rest.

"Do you want me to stay behind with you?" asked Jooheon once the vocal line was away.

"It's okay, hyung; I worked on my rap yesterday so I should put a bit more effort on the dance."

"You seem tired Kyun, don't overwork yourself, okay?"

Changkyun nodded and turned to the mirror. He would be way more productive next week if he got more hours of sleep rather than tiring himself when he was already almost fainting. But he decided to go through the choreography three more times

With his eyes glued to the ground he turned off the lights on the dance studio and went to change his clothes in the bathroom at the end of the hall.

"-was his place."

"He can't even keep up with the dance, I can only imagine what a nuisance he must be for Hyunwoo-ssi."

"I admit he's not a bad rapper, but he's nowhere near as good looking as the rest of Monsta X; they could debut as a whole visual group if it wasn't for him."

Changkyun looked through the gap on the stall's door. At least three trainees came in the bathroom, and they obviously didn't know he was there.

"We've been training here longer than he has, and we are actually friends with the rest of the members, he could be easily replaced."

"Have you noticed how close he is with K.Will-nim? No wonder he got to debut."

"What do you mean?" Changkyun asked opening the door and walking to the sink to wash his hands and face.

"Well he-"

"Speaking of the devil, were you eavesdropping our conversation?"

It was four trainees, all of them older–and bigger– than him. They were talking about him, but he wasn't stupid. Changkyun was aware of how they felt since his arrival to Starship, and the rumors going around the company, he wasn't waiting for an apology.

"I was here already."

"Don't be rude baby, we are older than you and have been in the company longer."

"Yes, but I'll be debuting before you," he knew he shouldn't have said that, it was not worth it picking up a fight even if he was right. He just couldn't help it seeing their smirks and looks of superiority. He had been training longer than some of them, even if not within Starship.

He expected them getting upset after saying that, but he was not ready for the hit on his stomach that made him fall on his knees and gasp for air. Someone pushed him to the side and he received a kick on his right leg.

"Be careful with your words, kid. You may be K.Will's whore but he can't defend you now. And you better not tell anyone about this, or I'll make sure you're not debuting."

One last blow to his side and he was now alone in the room. Crying.

You are stronger than this, I.M.

He managed to get up, and after fixing his clothing and hair, he washed his face again, and got on his way out of the company.

"You still here?"

Changkyun didn't notice for how long he lay on the bathroom floor crying, but it was apparently late now.

"Yes, Hyunwoo-ssi. I was practicing," he lied.

"Well, let's go home, we have a heavy schedule tomorrow and I need you to rest. I know you didn't sleep much last night, I'm glad you practiced more today though."

Unfortunately he barely practiced, he didn't get to sleep before dinner as he had planned, and now he was hurting too bad to dance better than today at all.

~*~

"Do you feel sick, Kyunnie?"

Changkyun was touched by Kihyun's tone, he may not treat the maknae as a friend, but Changkyun was more than glad to receive the same motherly treatment as the others. Kihyun showed him most of the little interaction and affection he received at the dorm since the end of No Mercy.

"Just a bit tired, hyung," he could feel the other members' stare on him.

Kihyun didn't believe him but didn't insist. The next morning he woke Changkyun the last so he could get more sleep. "Breakfast is ready, take your time on the shower and then come to the kitchen, okay?"

"Thank you."

If walking was a rather painful, Changkyun couldn't imagine how hard practice was going to be. His skin was so bruised where the trainees had hit him he had to make sure to wear clothing that covered it. Everyone was at the table when he entered the kitchen.

"You okay? You're walking weird."

"Jooheon don't speak with food in your mouth, same goes for you Hyungwon" nagged Kihyun changing the attention to the other rapper so they wouldn't ask Changkyun anything.

"Kihyun you always talk with your mouth full of food, it's gross." Minhyuk barely dodged the slice of cucumber thrown at him. "Seriously?"

"Manager will be here soon, here," Hyunwoo placed some plates in front of Changkyun and asked him to start eating.

 

~*~

Practice was indeed challenging, but Changkyun ignored the pain and managed to dance each choreography without being scolded by any of his members or causing them to start over.

"That was almost perfect, take a break, there's a few takes from the MV that need to be re-shooted, so be ready to leave in half an hour" announced the leader.

"We should have some barbecue tonight," whined Jooheon.

"You know we can't eat that until after debut, and even then it may be only once until promotions are over; I'll make sure to cook something delicious, though."

"You're the best, eomma."

Kihyun rolled his eyes at the rapper's choice of honorific.

The members left the room on pairs leaving the maknae behind, who took advantage of this to lay down on the floor and groan. "Regretting debut?"

"Hyung," Changkyun stood up and bowed when he realized K.Will had been observing him from the door. "No, of course not, hyung."

The older smiled and signaled for the other to follow him. Changkyun rapidly grabbed his stuff and complied. The hallway was busy with people going around getting things ready for their newest group debut, and trainees going out for lunch — at least with their senior around they couldn't tease and torment Changkyun, but he was worried that being seen in company of K.Will would only worsen the rumors.

"This morning I was giving vocal classes to a trainee who shared with me something very interesting..."

Changkyun showed no reaction to K.Will's words, however he was panicking and anxious inside. Would the trainees go as far as to get him in problems? What would've they told the older? He hadn't done anything wrong, but he couldn't prove his innocence in case of any lie brought up by those who had been tormenting him for the past weeks — he also didn't have anyone to back him. "Yes?"

"Changkyun-ah; you'd tell me if anything or anyone is bothering you, right?" He stopped outside the toilet-dressing room, and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Of course, hyung," he lied. Telling the trainees on him would only bring more teasing and stress to Changkyun; he could endure it by himself, not involving adults. Changkyun spotted a group of trainees at the end of the hall. "I have to meet my members in ten minutes, I better get ready," he bowed causing the other's hand to fall of his shoulder, "thank you for worrying, hyung. Everything's alright, I'll see you around."

When Changkyun arrived to the parking lot five minutes late everyone was already on the van waiting for him. He mumbled an apology, but only the manager and the leader weren't either asleep. Or completely ignoring him.


	4. I am hurting

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

 

A few days before their debut, Changkyun found himself surrounded by a group of trainees who had been drinking in their free day.

They were waiting for him in front of the dorms and the oldest put his arm around Changkyun's shoulders and guided him towards an alley nearby; he tried to get free but the other trainees stopped him before he could get away. "Pay attention to your elders," a hit on his stomach got him on his knees right before one of the youngest trainees positioned himself behind the rapper to hold his chin up. "I don't care if you are to debut soon, we were here before you, you are no more than an intruder," another hit to his abdomen, "you're going to ruin Monsta X anyway, we are just helping you to mess it up from the start, so the company won't lose that much money." The kid behind him pushed him to the ground where he received kicks on his legs and back, they were making sure it was in places the staff or members couldn't see. "Don't disappoint K.Will, give up before debut date Changkyunnie." 

He could easily take down one or two of the trainees, but a fight would only end up getting all of them—including Changkyun— in trouble. He endured it because of his band members, he couldn't ruin their debut, he endured it because of Nu'Bility and Gunhee, who wouldn't be debuting as he might, he endured it because of his family, he couldn't let them down. Thoughts were now flooding his mind, inspired to write some lyrics he pulled himself together and walked to the coffee shop at the end of the street, he sent a text to Jeongwook and sat there writing on his phone for about an hour before going back home.

The maknae was now standing in the entrance of Monsta X dorm, voices coming from the kitchen. "You can do this Daniel," he uttered walking through the living room.

"Changkyun," the leader was leaning against the island next to Minhyuk; behind them, the rest of the members seemed to be helping Kihyun with the dinner.

"Sorry I'm late, I brought some coffee."

It was the first time he had done that for his band mates, but he knew what each of them preferred and liked. He placed the drink carrier on the table and enjoyed with a small smile the thank you's from his hyungs.

"Our maknae knows us well," Minhyuk ruffled Changkyun's hair with a big smile while sipping on his coffee. 

Kihyun side hugged him before grabbing his own cup, "Thank you Kyun-ah; but this doesn't save you from doing the dishes. You'll be helping this two," he pointed Hyunwoo and Minhyuk, "house chores should be a responsibility but with you guys it can only work as punishment," he sighed shaking his head as if he was the oldest of the group.

"What did you do?" Changkyun couldn't help his curiosity.

"I brought Minhyuk and Hyungwon to the gym," Shownu laughed and Minhyuk almost chokes on his drink.

"Hyung!" the model whined behind them, hiding his face on Kihyun's arm.

"Drop it guys, you want to clean the whole house tonight instead of sleeping?" the mom of the group warned.

Changkyun decided to spare them from further punishment, and maybe ask them later. They had dinner together and even tough the youngest didn't participate much on the conversation he felt comfortable and at calm, welcomed and included. When they finished it was time for the three penalized guys to clean up the mess left on the kitchen. While Hyunwoo cleared the table and put the left overs on the fridge, Changkyun was to help Minhyuk to wash the dishes.

"This won't come out, can you put water in it and boil it?"

Changkyun took the pan Minhyuk was handing him and did as he was asked when he felt his phone vibrate. It was a text from Jeongwook, asking where he was at the moment and where the trainees where. Maybe he shouldn't have told him about the hitting, it could get the older in trouble as well if he got involved. "Kyunnie, the pan."

"Oh, yes."

Changkyun put his phone on his pocket and with the other hand took the pan off the stove, unfortunately, he didn't realize how close Minhyuk was and accidentally touched the vocalist's arm with the hot metal container, the older yelped in pain and pushed the other away, causing the water to fall on both of them.

"Minhyuk!" Hyunwoo run to him as soon as he heard the cry. "Fuck Changkyun, go get Kihyun and the first aid kit now!"

Changkyun was trembling in shock and pain, the water had burned his legs, but he hurried out of the kitchen and into the bathroom to grab the first aid kit, "Kihyun hyung!"

The main vocalist had come out of his room in alert when he heard the screams, "what happened?"

"It was an accident, hyung, I-!"

"Changkyun!" Hyunwoo shouted from the kitchen with an angry tone that surprised Kihyun, who rapidly took the kit from the maknae's hands and both went to meet the others. The leader was holding Minhyuk's arm under the water stream and whispering soothing words into his ear, but Minhyuk's crying wouldn't stop.

His arm had an ugly mark that looked very painful. Changkyun felt nauseous.

"Sit him here," ordered Kihyun putting out the healing items on the table.

The remaining three members were watching from the entrance in worry, but when Hyunwoo turned to them with an expression uncommon of him on his face they almost ran away; there was nothing they could do to help, anyways.

Kihyun finished with a sigh and wiped off the tears on Minhyuk's face with his thumbs. "Thanks Ki, you should go get some rest, I'll take Minnie to my room," Hyunwoo noticed the rapper was still in the room, "You finish cleaning up the kitchen."

Changkyun waited until he was alone to let the tears roll down his cheeks, a hand covering his mouth so the sobs wouldn't echo through the dorm. He hadn't mean to hurt Minhyuk, he knew he should have been more careful; now the visual was hurting and maybe the trust and acceptance he was just gaining had fade away after tonight. He hadn't mean to upset his leader, he felt very small under the oldest glare.

Kihyun had forgotten to put the first aid kit away, so Changkyun took it with him once he finished in the kitchen. He locked the bathroom after him and took off his pants, uncovering the bruises and, now, also blisters and redness on his legs. He bit his tongue trying to hold another crying fit, and did his best to take care of his wounds by himself.

The next morning Kihyun woke him up first and asked him to help with breakfast; he didn't mention last night events, but didn't say anything about punishment either, so Changkyun complied in silence.

The members started coming into the kitchen half an hour later but none of them seemed comfortable enough to start any conversation. They ate in silence until Hyunwoo and Minhyuk came and sat with them. "Today's practice will be in the stage we'll be performing at, and I expect it to come out perfect, no mistakes, got it?"

A text message appeared on Changkyun's phone, it was from Jeonwook.

Fine, I won't go there, FOR NOW, kyunnie you need to tell me if they hurt you again, or I promise I'll kill them if I see a single bruise on you [and then I'll kill you for not telling me]- good luck today, I love you!!!!!!."

A little smile replaced his frown. Maybe today wouldn't be as bad as he feared.

He discarded this thought when Hyunwoo howled "again" after the fourth time completing the choreography for Trespass. His legs were stinging and his back was killing him. "What we'll be doing tomorrow is nothing compared to big performances or weeks on tour. Do it better, Changkyun."

The maknae looked up when his name was called, and apologized. They started all over again until it was indeed perfect. Jooheon smiled at Changkyun and Kihyun nodded in approval. A staff member rushed them into the dressing room to try on outfits to use on the debut performance. They had private spaces to change, so the youngest didn't even consider someone may see the marks on his body. Until someone did.

"I think Noona gave you my pa-"

Changkyun barely managed to cover his legs, but Hyungwon definitely saw something. His beautiful face was now filled with worry and surprise.

"Changkyun, wha-"

"Please let me get dressed first, Hyungwon-ssi. I'll hand you your pants then."

"No, Kyun-ah; you should have told someone if you burned yourself last night, wait, where those bruises?"

"Not your problem, okay? Let me get dressed first. Not a word to anyone, please."

The taller seemed stunned and rather annoyed by his answer, but he left Changkyun alone a second later. 

He just hoped his hyung wouldn't say anything until after debut.


	5. I am okay

Changkyun got off the bed reluctantly when the annoying ringtone of a phone disturbed his attempt to sleep for the third time in less than ten minutes. The other members had been called into the company, but he got to stay in the dorm, alone until the rest came back in a couple of hours. Apparently one of the boys had left his phone behind and someone was very persistent on contacting him. 

It was Jooheon's, and apparently it was Gunhee who had been trying to reach him on the phone. It had just stopped ringing when Changkyun grabbed it and a message popped up on the screen. He didn't mean to read it, but the name of the group chat it had been sent to called his attention. Changkyun could understand if they had a group chat since they knew each other for longer than he did, but why would they call it Monstax and not include him in it?

From "Appa":  
Honey and I will get there in five, you can go ahead and order.

With a little smile Changkyun put the phone down, he was about to go back to his room when another message arrived to the same chat. His name was mentioned in it.

From "Model Chae":  
Hurry hyung, I have something to tell you guys about Changkyun.

Was he going to tell them about the burns covering his legs? They hadn't had the opportunity to talk about it, Hyungwon had pretty much avoided him since they tried on clothes for the upcoming presentation.

From "Minnie":  
Do you have to? We already talk too much about Him in here, I don't want him to ruin our dinner too.

Changkyun gasped, but didn't have time to re-read that and make sure he didn't misunderstood because another text on the lock screen replaced that one.

From "Wonho^^":  
I agree. Just hurry, we have to come back home before he decides to call manager and ask for us, then we would be in trouble.

Why would they go out without him? They could at least let him know they wouldn't have dinner at the dorm so he didn't wait for them. And how Changkyun knowing would get them in trouble with the manager?

From "Eomma":  
Gunhee texted me, he can't make it today but he'll see us for lunch tomorrow.

Changkyun placed the phone down on the bed and went back to his own room. If he was struggling to take a nap before, now it was impossible to even think about sleeping that night at all. He was rapidly getting overwhelmed by his own thoughts and confused by his own feelings and those he perceived from the others on that simple conversation over the phone.

Was it that Changkyun still not good enough for them to just accept he was part of the group too?

No.

He had been trying his best to prove he was deserving of debuting, but it was enough. If they didn't want to accept his efforts, it was their problem, not his.

Changkyun decided to do something useful with his free afternoon instead of spend it pitying himself, and waiting for the guys to come home and pretend they didn't talk about him while enjoying Korean barbecue. He grabbed his coat and got on his way to the company, he was going to work on his rap and maybe have some dinner with K.Will at the studio.

 

~*~

"It's late, you need to rest all you can before tomorrow. I'll walk you home."

Changkyun nodded with a smile and checked his phone; it was past midnight and he had a few missed calls. He walked alongside the vocal trainer but stopped on the corner of the dorms' building when he spotted Hyunwoo waiting for him.

"I forgot to let him know where I was.. Thanks for today, hyung; I'll see you tomorrow."

K.Will frowned at the younger's sudden change of behavior but let it go. "Have a good night, Kyunnie."

Changkyun attempted to get into the dorm after a small bow to Hyunwoo, but the elder grabbed him by the forearm. "Didn't I tell you to let one of us know your plans before going out?"

"I don't see why should I do that, I'm an adult-"

"Then fucking act like one! I don't care what your relationship with him is, I don't care about the truth behind the rumors of you getting a spot in Monsta X thanks to him," Changkyun stared at the leader in disbelief, "but if you don't want them to ruin the group's reputation, you should be more careful."

Changkyun pulled his arm free and snorted, "if this group fails, it won't be because of me, don't try to make me feel guilty."

Hyunwoo's expression became even darker and his voice deeper, "do you have a wish to die? I'm elder than you, stop acting like a teenage girl and be respectful while I ask nicely."

Changkyun bit his lip and bowed once more before going inside and into to his room, ignoring Kihyun calling him. Minhyuk was already sleeping, so Changkyun tried to make as little noise as possible and went to bed still wearing day clothes. 

 

~*~

The next morning everyone seemed upset at Changkyun, but no one said anything until he sat down to get breakfast.

"You told him we were having dinner without you, didn't you?" Wonho huffed.

"I-"

"I know you read the messages on my phone, how else would you've known? Changkyun, we are a group, but that doesn't mean we have to be friends and hang out with you because of that. We talked about it in No.Mercy, it's not easy to accept you just like that."

"Just like that? Jooheon-ssi I-"

"You better pretend we are friends today, though. Otherwise they won't let us debut," spat Minhyuk.

"But I didn't tell anything to no one, and why wouldn't they-"

"Go get ready now, today's the last practice before debut. If you're hungry during it, think of getting home early next time" Kihyun muttered with his eyes glued to the table. Changkyun was then left alone in the kitchen, tears of frustration filled his eyes but the rapper cleaned them with a little too much force.

That night they came back to the dorms exhausted. Changkyun went directly to his room but was stopped by Hyungwon, who had kept avoiding Changkyun until now. "Are you okay?"

As if you cared.

"I am." He tried to go around the taller but was held by the shoulder. He looked actually concerned, and Changkyun had so many emotions bottled in that any sign of care could break him now.

"Wait. The burns and bruises on your legs-"

"Please, don't." Changkyun looked up and he could swear there was sincerity on the taller's eyes. "Not now."

Hyungwon let him go, but a feeling of guilt that filled him with Changkyun's plea pushed him to finally share what he had seen with one of his hyungs. The one who would probably let any resentment go once he got to knew the maknae wasn't doing well.


	6. I am trespassing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTES:  
> -Updates every Sunday and Thursday

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

 

"Wake up, today's the day. Take a shower and come get breakfast, it will probably be our only meal today."

Changkyun didn't think his stomach would be able to hold any food, but it was the first time in days Kihyun talked to him beyond necessary, so he did as told and soon was walking into the kitchen. His band mates were happily chatting until he sat at the end of the table, apparently they still believed he told the managers about them not being best friends with him.

"Thanks, hyung," he grabbed the bowl Kihyun offered him.

Changkyun finished his food with his head down. He told himself to be strong, stay cool despite their rejection, and to concentrate on debuting and fulfilling his own dreams; still, it was difficult to ignore the feeling of loneliness that came with the situation. "I'll go get ready," he said.

He had never felt the need of crying like that day. He was about to debut, and should be feeling proud and nervous. The thing was, there'd be no one to congratulate him, there'd be no one there to cheer him up if they failed either. Was he really an intruder in the company? A burden to the members?

"What is it, kid?"

Changkyun hadn't realized he was standing in the living room in front of Wonho, who was also waiting for the others to come and leave together. There was something in Wonho's eyes that he had only seen when he was worried for one of the other trainees.

"Um, sorry.." he bit his lower lip and turned to the door. 

"Changkyun, I-"

He was interrupted by Changkyun's phone. Taehyuk was calling him, and some time ago he had threaten Changkyun to go look for him if he didn't answer his phone calls. "I am sorry, Hoseok-ssi, you were saying?"

He ignored the call.

"I-" the older cleared his throat, "you should answer that."

The rest of the members came while Changkyun was on the phone, assuring Taehyuk everything was fine, even if it wasn't. 

 

It was all screams, lights, flashes, smiles, a burning sensation on their legs and lungs, but warmth in their hearts; the expectancy and euphoria on the faces of those who had watched No.Mercy and were here to be with them on their debut, their managers and instructors, their fans; the groups of idols and trainees that were going to call sunbaenims from now on. Changkyun felt really calmed seeing Minhyuk and Kihyun smiling while presenting their debut song, he felt proud of Wonho and Jooheon getting awesome reactions from the audience, and inspired by Hyunwon and Shownu's dancing.

The mean comments made on internet and at the company regarding Changkyun's sudden arrival to Starship stopped meaning anything. The physical pain caused by the trainees and by long dance practices were forgotten. The moments of loneliness and lack of a sensation of belonging were replaced by some kind of relief, and fondness for his members.

Even if they didn't get their first win on their debut stage, they felt like winners. The path to success for them was going to be full of challenges and frustration, but they were going to go through it together.

Kihyun was the first one to hug Changkyun backstage. "You did well Kyun-ah, don't cry."

He hid his face in the main vocalist's chest and hugged back.

"Don't ruin your make up, baby; we still have a lot of work to do, and more presentations."

"Can I call my parents?"

"Make it short," Hyunwoo was now next to them.

Changkyun only nodded.

"By the way.. good job today, Changkyun."

 

More shows and presentations followed through the month, the music video was being a success as well; Changkyun had had the opportunity to congratulate Big Bang on their wins for their comeback, and have small conversations with BTS too, which made him feel very fortunate, but also excited to one day be an idol trainees look up to.

Their manager had taken their phones away both to get away the distraction it comes with it, and they'd have now to work even harder to get it back by getting their first win.

Besides presentations, their schedule also included variety shows and reality shows as if to follow the lives of the No.Mercy trainees that were able to debut.

It all became a bit weary to Changkyun because now he didn't have a way to communicate with his friends without Hyunwoo knowing about it, since they had to get permission from the managers to use the phone Hyunwoo got in name of the group. He was surrounded by people all day, but felt even lonelier.

"I think you need to exercise more Changkyun-ah, that way you'd be less tired and it's also something to get distracted with in your free time."

Changkyun was a bit astonished; that was probably the longest sentence Wonho had said to him since No.Mercy. The youngest had noticed that both Wonho and Hyungwon had stop ignoring and being unfriendly to him, and the rapper wasn't sure if he should be grateful for it or suspect their sincerity and intentions. They never mentioned the incident in which Minhyuk got burned, and about nor Changkyun supposedly telling their manager about the reunions he wasn't invited to.

 

Moments of happiness came too, it was certainly impossible for the group not to laugh at Changkyun sudden jokes when he talked with such a serious face, and he felt proud of it; as if his initial plan of holding his hand out for them to take was finally showing results. Even then, he was keeping—hiding— his real and weird personality; he had promised himself to put all his effort on being a successful idol and rapper, not in being welcomed by the others—Changkyun was aware of how crucial their relationship was for their future as a group, but it was responsibility of seven, not one.

They had start having movie nights once in a while and Kihyun made sure Changkyun was there every time, usually sitting on the floor in front of the couch and leaning his head on Jooheon or Kihyun's legs, but never participating on their conversations about the films. Changkyun helped Kihyun making breakfast and sometimes with dinner; he was also getting closer to Jooheon, they really worked well together.

"Hyung, can you help me with this verse?"

Changkyun wouldn't have noticed his change on honorifics if Jooheon hadn't hug him with a big smile and small eyes. "Took you long enough to call me that when not in front of a camera."

"I-"

"You're the only one who can call me that, you know? Here, let me see that verse."

That night Changkyun finally had a long conversation that didn't have anything to do with work or housework. It wasn't exactly a best friends' relationship, but he was sharing funny anecdotes and laughing with Jooheon, and it was refreshing.

"Finally," Wonho was in the middle of the living room, arranging blankets and pillows around, "come help me, Kyun".

"Sorry, hyung. We got a bit distracted while writing the raps for the next album.. What are you doing?"

"We are watching No.Mercy tonight," Kihyun answered Jooheon and handed him a tray with snacks, "put them down and come help me get the rest."

Changkyun froze.

Hadn't they watched before?

Wasn't it both cruel and cringe to see what they had gone through—what they have said about the others, their reactions, their mistakes, and so on?

Why would they want to see it now?

A hand on his shoulder prevented Changkyun from having a panic attack.

"You okay, kkukkung?"

He nodded.

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ


	7. 07. I am I.M.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to update this on Sunday [it's still Friday for me], but I really liked it and I wanted you to read it and tell me what you think about it [and suffer with me]. I also wanted to know if someone here lives on Europe so I can decide on the hour I'd post. [I am also publishing this story on Wattpad, the username is Kang Mi So]

_Rather than worrying, it is better to try it out first and then worry about the future later._

Well, the future was here. Changkyun had try it out, and had succeeded. He couldn't say he hadn't worried, but he did debut. And now, they were all going to hear his thoughts and see his tears for the first time, which they've saved watching until now—their first free week after promotions and before wholeheartedly working on their first comeback, since they didn't have permission to go home to their families yet.

They were all on the floor, Changkyun was sitting behind them, so they couldn't really see his face.

Before Starship recruited him without sharing with him their plans for his future, he was a big fan of the show. The reason he decided to ignore the pros and cons of being a trainee under that company and accepted their proposal of being part of a project was No.Mercy. Of course he never expected to walk into a room with the protagonists of said show. He wouldn't have imagined they had plans of debuting him with the winners.

"Oh my God, I had totally forgot about this! Please skip it!"

Hyunwoo looked uncomfortable, while Kihyun seemed decided to stop cooking for the members but Changkyun, who instead of laughing out loud was smiling with apologetic eyes. They obviously ignored the main vocalist's request and watched their parents' presentation on the second mission.

"That was so disappointing; gladly you are not so awkward now," Jooheon was right.

Fortunately for Changkyun, the leader decided to stop for that night after the sixth episode. At this point he was not only tired but getting anxious.

This was the second time he watched the sixth episode; the first time being a few nights before he was called into a certain restaurant—he didn't know then that a trainee had just been eliminated, and that he was going to have an appearance at the end of the same episode. He never watched the rest of the episodes, not even the part where his name was called among the winners.

"Why?" whined Minhyuk taking a sip from his iced coffee.

"We've been here for about six hours. This are not exactly vacations, we still need to get some rest. How long has Hyungwon been asleep by the way?"

"I'm not trying to wake him up, hyung; he can sleep here."

Hyunwoo nodded and sent the rest of the members to sleep on their rooms.

Changkyun couldn't sleep that night.

 

 

His hands were tied. Telling the truth to his hyungs didn't seem like a good idea, Changkyun didn't know what outcome would that have. Telling K.Will or another adult would make the problem bigger, especially without solid evidence to prove who was responsible. Confronting them alone hadn't end well before. Kihyun was at the dorms, and Jooheon was in the building, but with Gunhee. And now he couldn't contact his Nu'Bility members.

He was alone, and barely bearing up.

"You don't deserve to be part of the comeback. One of us could easily replace you, you know? Is not like more than one percent of Monsta X fans like you."

"I bet he doesn't have the guts to read the comments about him on the internet."

Think about Monbebe, Changkyun. Don't let their words affect you.

"Not even his family likes him."

Mom wouldn't like you getting kicked out of the company because you let those words get to you.

"I feel sorry for Monsta X, having to put up with such an idiot."

 

 

The moment came.

And there was no way to avoid what was about to happen.

Jooheon had decided to lay his head on Changkyun's lap, and Kihyun on his shoulder, so there was no escaping the room in the middle of the episode.

If the rest was pretending the moment wasn't just the most awkward experience ever, they were the best actors to Changkyun.

His stomach and head hurt not only because of the trainees, but with distress.

It was the first time they were watching the mission before Minkyun's elimination. It was impressive, they were really talented, and had put a lot of effort on their presentations. Gunhee had really done well on being the protagonist of the dance Wonho set up. Jooheon sat up.

By the time the decision on the elimination was announced, even Kihyun had subtly moved away from Changkyun. The maknae could barely hold his tears in at the sighs and quiet sobs of his hyungs reviving the farewell of Minkyun.

All Changkyun could hear was his own heart beat; all he could feel were his lungs getting heavier; all he could see was the look of anger and betrayal of the trainees on the screen. Then he saw himself, face blurred; and finally, the intro of the eighth episode.

Did they really want to see the rest of the show with Changkyun present in the same room?

Would they be sincere on their feelings or keep the comments going on on their heads to themselves?

Were they going to treat him better or worse after watching this?

_I didn't want to look at the new kid's face.. I can't think anything else but 'this is unfair.' This isn't his spot, so what's he doing here? I felt like he was freeloading on what we've set up so far.. I was too upset, I was in a terrible mood, I lost my appetite and all... What else can we do but hate right now?_

Now, without the overwhelming feeling he had the day he entered that restaurant, he was finally able to see their reactions, and even if it was through a screen, and months after the events, it hurt. He knew he had joined the show in the worst timing, but hearing the comments made by the trainees.. he wished they'd have say those words to his face instead. Then he wouldn't have tried so hard to get them to like him back then. Every man for himself, right?

"I know it's hard for you to open to me, so even if it's little by little, when you guys come talk to me..."

After the first night he joined them, he believed they were now just following the instructions of overacting their hate. Was Jooheon's noble attitude part of the show as well?

"To be honest, it's been so hard and lonely for me . I got very emotional, but I became hopeful that I can approach the other guys... I'm sure if I hold my hand out first they'll take it at some point."

Six pairs of eyes on Changkyun.

No. Don't let it get to you, Changkyun. Play it cool.

They continued watching the episodes until the very end. Changkyun was the only one who didn't tear up, so he dared to talk.

"You weren't acting then but are now, huh?"

Six pairs of eyes on Changkyun. Just now confused instead of guilty and curious.

"I'm not an idiot anymore. I know you hated me back then, I just shouldn't have thought you would be sincere after all this time," he snorted.

"Chang-"

The youngest cut Minhyuk off standing and turning to Hyunwoo, "I'm going out."

"What? No, Changkyun, sit down. We need to talk," Kihyun tried to take his hand but failed.

"I wasn't asking for permission, 'hyung'."

"Stop it," Wonho was very serious, Changkyun just didn't know that the vocalist was angry at himself and not at the maknae.

All the rapper wanted to do was to get out of that enclosed space and out of their sight so he could cry—out of anger, out of humiliation, out of sadness.

Jooheon sighed, "Changkyun, you know those feelings are all on the past-"

"Are they really?" his body was betraying him, tears were now wetting his cheeks.

"Please," Hyungwon stood up as well, getting on his way.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. We can keep pretending until we get our first win, and then maybe I'll debut as a soloist and you can replace me with someone you can actually smile around." That was not happening, and Changkyun was aware of it; he was no more than a trainee who had been close to success more than once, and failed yet again. Was it too late to try and go back to school?

"Fucking stop that!" Jooheon stood up as well, and the rest followed. "Stop pitting yourself, Im Changkyun. Have you ever thought you might not be the only one going through hardship? You're not the only one struggling with becoming an idol, you're not the only one who's not fulfilling his parents wishes. At least you're here, you should be grateful you got the 'chance' to debut under this company."

"So I'm lucky to debut with all of you?" he huffed.

"Okay, this is going out of proportion guys. Calm down first and then-"

"Shut up, Minhyuk-ssi. You all don't know what I've been through, and even if it's not your fault, I still have no one by my side. That's the difference between us!"

"Changkyun. I get that you're angry, but you're being very disrespectful," Hyunwoo looked both concerned and upset now.

"You guys think I've only been behaving like a teenager, but you know nothing."

"Help us to. You need to tell us what's bothering you," Kihyun's eyes were teary, and it made Changkyun feel even more anxious.

"You don't really want to know. Hyungwon saw something and decided to ignore it. If you knew what's really going on it'd only make things more awkward, if that's even possible."

Changkyun tried to get to the door but Hyungwon grabbed his arm, "you were not ready to share it, or to talk about it just with me. And we were not ready to hear it, maybe we'll never be. I did tell Hoseok hyung, and we thought it was best to wait, but we can't postpone it any longer."

The younger shook his head and let a sob come out of his throat, "I want to be with my hyung, please let me go."

"K.Will-ssi?"

"Fuck, no!" Changkyun glared at Wonho. "I know what you all think. I've heard the rumors going around the company. I thought you'd at least give me the benefit of doubt."

Hyungwon let go of him, but Changkyun decided to stay.

"K.Will hyung only got close to me because he feels guilty. Guilty that he brought me to that restaurant without telling me what I was there for. I thought I was just going to join Starship as a trainee. Of course I took the opportunity to be someone even after the company I was in went bankruptcy and disbanded my group. He feels guilty because he knows we don't get along and there's nothing he can do about it. He feels guilty because he knows something is going on at the company and there's nothing he can do about it. You may feel guilty as well, but I don't want pity. I know I deserve being part of Monsta X, I know I worked hard for it, and that I'm talented enough to succeed. I know that even if it's a small part of our fans, there's some Monbebe who don't believe on the ill rumors and cruel comments on the internet."

Some of his band mates were crying, the rest was in shock. Changkyun didn't look up to see it.

"And I'll hold onto that. Even if you don't want me to, I'll be part of this group, I'll do it for myself."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the one chapter I was looking forward to share with you guys; the idea I had which inspired me to write this story is more or less represented here.  
> (It's not the last chapter, don't worry).


	8. 08. I'm Destroyer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I go again, this chapter was supposed to be Thursday's update but the story is getting such a good response, especially here in Ao3, so I just had to give you guys something before Thursday, I really enjoy writing this fic and I love your comments.
> 
> Also, if you love Angst, and like Exo.. tomorrow (Monday 8) I'll be updating my other story, so, feel free to read that one as well ♥

 

 

"What are we going to do, hyung? I shouldn't have keep it a secret, even when he asked me to."

Wonho hushed Hyungwon and held him tighter. "I'll go find him, we can talk once I'm back."

"Don't. He needs to be alone-"

"No, he doesn't, Kihyun-ah. What if something happens to him? He doesn't have a phone on him, I should've let him call his hyung first," Hyunwoo was pacing around the room while the rest sat on the couches.

"There's a lot of things we should have done, and more we shouldn't have. But he's right, hyung. We better wait for him to calm down and come back, and then we can talk with him."

Everyone agreed with Minhyuk and decided to give Changkyun some time and space, no one felt like sleeping so Kihyun prepared some ramyeon and they ate while waiting.

About an hour later Hyunwoo received a call from an unknown number, the guy, whom introduced himself as Byunghwa, informed the Changkyun was safe and sound at his house, and not to worry about him. Hyunwoo was a bit hesitant but allowed the maknae to stay with his friend as long as he was on time at the company the next morning, since both Changkyun and Jooheon had a rap class scheduled.

After the call the eldest sent everyone to bed, only Kihyun stayed back. "What is it, Kihyun-ah?"

"I just- I can't believe I allowed this to happen."

"I'm the one who should've done something about it, I'm the leader."

"Yes, but I was getting close to him, and I can't help but feeling responsible for it as well. I-"

"Come here," he held the smallest in a hug. "Let's not worry about that, we have to talk to him, and gain his trust. And then help him, and also change the way things work around here. There's no good in blaming anyone, okay?"

"You're not a bad leader.."

"And you're not a bad mom either."

Kihyun laughed and hugged Hyunwoo back.

 

"Are you-are you going back today?" Jooheon asked carefully once their coach left the room.

"I'll stay back and work a bit on this part, but yeah, I guess I'll be there for dinner." Jooheon seemed so relieved, Changkyun winced. "Byunghwa threatened to go with me if I didn't do it myself, and I know he would only cause problems."

"Do you think we'd meet them one day?"

Changkyun was confused.

"I mean.. Your, your friends.. If you still spend time with them maybe we could meet them?"

"I don't know, hyung."

It was impossible to stay mad at Jooheon. His face and voice made him look so vulnerable, Changkyun sighed and gave him a little smile.

"I'll see you at home?"

The older nodded and got out of the room as if to give Changkyun space or to not be too obvious on his intentions to apologize.

Changkyun did as he told Jooheon. Without a phone, he lost sense of time and worked on the rap he was finishing and other lyrics too for several hours. By the time he got out of the studio certain trainees were leaving the dance room ready to go to their own dorms.

"Oh, look who's still here! K.Will-nim's whore."

"Let's not do this today guys, I really should get going."

They laughed at his statement. Changkyun knew it was a stupid request, but he was really tired from not sleeping for over 3 days, and wanted to get home early to face the other guys as soon as possible. Because there was no way he would avoid the talk for another day.

"Common, Kyunnie.. K.Will's in China for this week, you must miss him so much," the eldest of the trainees approached him with a nasty look in his eyes.

"Stay back," Changkyun really wasn't in the mood to stand their jokes and teasing.

"You're useless, aren't you? That's why your members stay away from you at all times, and now even your 'hyung' left because you're an annoyin-"

Changkyun gasped as the trainee fell on his back with his hands covering his mouth and nose. The other guys also looked in disbelief.

"What the- You- Get him!"

Time to run.

Did he really just hit a guy with twice his weight? It was very satisfying and it gave him a rush of adrenaline, enough to get to the lower floor of the building without anyone catching him. Until someone did.

He almost fell on his ass after bumping into something hard, but a pair of arms avoided it, holding him from his waist. "Changkyun?"

Oh no.

"Where is he?!"

Changkyun turned and stepped back getting closer to Wonho, who still had a grip on him. The group of trainees stopped a few meters from them when they noticed the vocalist in the hall.

"What is this?" Wonho inquired.

The trainee Changkyun had punched in the face came with an angry look and pointed at him. "This little bitch hit me! He should get kicked out of the company!"

"Changkyun?"

"Hyung, I can explain."

"He'll lie. Let's end this here and now. This guy has only caused trouble since he arrived," some of the trainees seemed nervous, the rest was rather happy of Changkyun 'getting in trouble'.

"Why did you hit him?"

"Hyung, no.. Please, just, believe me, he deserved it."

"We don't hit people only because they deserve it, Kyun-ah." The trainee was pleased with Wonho's response. "We make sure they regret what they did, and pay for it. We could get them kicked out of the company too, if you want."

There was no doubt the marks on the maknae's legs Hyungwon told him about were bruises made by these bullies. Wonho had seen them bothering other trainees before, if they were all after Changkyun and the younger had recurred to hitting one of them, then they were guilty.

"What? Hoseok hyung-"

"I'm not your hyung, watch your manners. If I know you're pestering anyone, especially one of my members, then that nose won't only be bruised but broken."

"I-"

"We are sorry, sunbaenim, we'll get going now," another trainee stopped their 'leader'.

As soon as they left Changkyun pushed himself away from Wonho.

"You didn't have to say that, nor intervene at all, that will only bring trouble to Monsta X."

"We'll talk about this at home. Let's go."

 

"We're here."

They came into the kitchen and sat down so Kihyun could serve them dinner.

"What's with that face?" Hyungwon questioned Wonho. "You look upset."

"Well, I am, but leave it, I don't want to ruin dinner."

"Okay..."

Kihyun sat next to Changkyun and gave him an apologetic look. The younger knew his hyung must feel guilty, after all he was the one Changkyun could've trust everything on, but had decided not to. They all helped cleaning up and moved up to the living room. Jooheon turned the TV on only to have a bit of noise on the background and make the situation a little less awkward and tense.

Wonho sat next to Changkyun, in front of the everyone else, "do you want me to tell them or..?"

"I've been having some, differences, with some trainees, and today I did something I shouldn't have and that it may get you guys in trouble as well, I'm sorry."

Wonho huffed, "No. I believe a group of trainees who are not happy with Kyun-ah's arrival had been, teasing him? But he defended himself pretty well I must say, maybe not the most clever plan because they were six but-"

"How long has this been going?" interrupted Hyunwoo with a frown.

They younger didn't answer, so Hyungwon decided to tell everyone what he had seen. "The night of the incident with the hot water, he burned himself as well, but didn't tell anyone," at that Minhyuk wheezed and turned to Hyunwoo. "The next day I saw the blisters in his legs, but I'm positive there were also bruises.. I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys before, I felt uncomfortable back then, and it's stupid that I didn't do something about it, I wasn't sure what could have cause them.."

"Since the begging," Changkyun spoke so quietly they almost didn't get what he had said. "They think is unfair that I came directly to debut in Starship. They don't care how, and won't listen if I told them anyways. They wanted me to give up before debut, since I didn't, mow they want me to mess up. They are aware of the distance between us, and they know I wouldn't tell K.Will hyung. I'm sorry."

 


	9. I am Sick

"Can I come in?"

He hurriedly cleaned his face from the tears that had been silently present and coming out from his eyes since Changkyun told them about the trainees a few hours ago.

"You doing laundry at 3 am?"

"I couldn't sleep.."

"Kihyun-ah."

He sighed and turned to face the leader. "Is there really nothing we can do about it? Hyung, there's got to be something-"

His eyes were filled with such anguish, Hyunwoo couldn't help but to lock his arms around the smaller. It was rare that he hugged his members—except for Jooheon, and especially Chankgkyun—, but lately he had been feeling responsible for the mother of the group's drop in mood. "We'll find a way. For now, we can't leave Changkyunnie alone at the company in any moment."

"He won't talk to me..."

"We've talked about this Ki; he'll open up to us, and we'd be the family we should have been since the ending of No.Mercy. He's hurt. And it's not only your fault.." _it's mostly mine._

 

 

"Time to wake up, Kyunnie, shower's free now."

"Coming, hyung."

"Just don't fall asleep again, Kihyun will scold me otherwise."

Only then Changkyun realized it was not the main vocalist that was trying to get him to get up. He turned and saw Minhyuk, who offered him a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

The maknae murmured a 'thank you' and hurried to the bathroom.

Minhyuk was, to put it simple, a sunshine. He radiated energy and happiness, he could lift everyone's mood on a bad day; but today, he sat at the table in silence.

"-right, Minnie?"

"Huh?"

Wonho didn't repeat the question, instead he patted Minhyuk's leg and gave him a small smile. "Finish your breakfast, today is going to be a long day."

 

 

"Where is Changkyun?" Hyungwon entered the rappers studio at the company.

"He went to grab some coffee. Kihyun hyung is downstairs too, so I stayed back. I don't want Changkyun to feel we are intruding by protecting him, or to think we're not being honest and only acting out of guilt. I mean, I feel guilty. I just hope he understands that's not the reason we want him to be safe."

"I know." Hyungwon agreed.

He sat on the chair next to Jooheon. "I tried to apologize to him again this morning, after breakfast. He told me to let it go, but I don't think that's right. We hurt him, and he wants to forget about it and he probably wants us to forget about it too. But I just can't. I feel like I need to make up for all this months."

"Maybe it's not the healthiest path to take, but I'm coming to understand him and, that's just how Changkyun is; I hope I'm wrong about it this time.. But for now, we need to focus on gaining his trust, not force forgiveness or friendship, just make good memories that overshadow the bad ones."

 

 

"I know what you're doing."

Everyone stopped what they were doing at the announcement. They were at the dance studio going through their new choreography when Changkyun decided things were even more awkward then when he first arrived to Starship.

"I'm not going to ask you to stop it, you already know I don't want to be pitied, so I know you're being sincere. Just, if you are really sorry, and willing to do something about it, don't go around looking miserable," _I did for a long time and got no reaction, why should I acknowledge their feelings?_

Hyunwoo reached for his hand and the youngest let him hold it. "I know everyone feels the same as me; Changkyun.. we really are sorry. Our behavior was not professional at all, not even civil or ethic. We fucked up, and I understand if you don't feel comfortable around us now that we realized how stupid and immature we were acting; and I'm sorry I didn't do something about it before; we'll give you time to try to accept us, just allow us to protect you from now on."

"I-" his eyes were suddenly filled with tears. "The truth is.. I'm sick of feeling lonely in a room full of people.. and you caring about me at this point is a bit surrealist. I don't know what to do, I'm confused, and I don't want to feel like this—because we could still get disbanded and, I don't think I'm that strong."

"Kukkungie-"

"I'm sick of fearing anything I do may get you annoyed or mad at me. I may not be the best dancer ever, but most of you aren't either. Many times I fucked up the choreography was because I was self conscious and felt pressured by your way of looking at me, and more than once I fucked up because I had been beaten up by a group of trainees and had to conceal the pain. It helped me to grow as a dancer, though. "

In shock, Wonho tried to speak again but this time it was Hyunwoo who interrupted him—by shaking his head as if asking them to let Changkyun continue and get it all off his chest.

"Also," he focused on them one by one, "Minhyuk-ssi, you've said I'm not that talented, but I wasn't the last member chosen to be announced, nor did I stayed in the lower positions during the whole show. Jooheon-hyung, it's not my fault the company decided I was a better choice for Monsta X than Gunhee-ssi; I'm not like him you're right, I am a different rapper from you both, have you ever thought that's why I was a better fit? Have you all ever thought they put me on this group because of my personality and rap, and not to annoy you and break your dreams of coming a group with the trainees you've worked before with? Hyunwoo-ssi, you're not the worst leader, but you're nowhere close to be the best. Many of you ignored me and decided to talk behind my back, I was always listening; I know you guys even have a chat group without me. I didn't feel welcomed just because you weren't directly mean to me. I am the youngest, and I don't have other friends at the company, did you ever consider I may have been feeling lonely? Kihyun-hyung, I know you tried hard to include me and be nice, but it all felt forced, as if you were doing it under threat from the company. You all tried to include me in front of the cameras, but most of you kept ignoring me or hating me behind them. Fuck you!"

Hyunwoo ducked feeling disappointed of himself; everyone looked and felt dejected; Hyungwon was silently crying.

"I miss Nu'Bility so much, I miss my friends in Boston and Israel too, I miss my family. I miss feeling genuinely loved."

"Kyun-ah" Kihyun sobbed and wrapped his arms around his dongsaeng. "I'm so, so sorry. We didn't even try to understand you, a-and-"

"Hyung, don't cry," he was himself crying on the vocalist's shoulder.

"We are sorry, Kukkungie," the maknae looked at Wonho and then at the rest of his band mates and realized they were all crying.

"I- I am sorry I said all that, I went too far."

"No, we went to far," Hyunwoo sighed. "All you said was true and fair.. I'm wondering, can Monsta X still be a group after all?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I didn't update earlier, I just came home a little ago. I hope you enjoy this chapter.


	10. I am No Mercy Primacy

The tension in the room was unbearable. All Changkyun wanted to do was to cling to one of his hyungs, but K.Will was sitting at the end of the table next to Kim Si Dae, and Hyunwoo was sitting across of the maknae.

Of course he was acting like the victim, because he _was_ the victim here. They had been bullying him since his arrival, and unlike the participants of No Mercy, these trainees physically bullied him, and hadn't stop even after all this time and Changkyun proving he belongs to the group debuting. He owned no explanation on his sudden joining the company and getting to be a part of the group to them or the fans.

"We won't tolerate any kind of abuse in this company, but since you've trained here for a long time I wont just kick you out. You can chose between quitting with no one knowing what you did in here, or being moved to a small beginning company. In both cases you must give a formal apology to Im Changkyun, and will not be allowed to come into this building ever again, nor talk about what happened in here."

Changkyun was feeling rather sick. It wasn't his fault the trainees were being fired, they had it coming, but Changkyun couldn't help the feeling of guilt inside. He understood how they felt at his arrival, just as he understood No Mercy trainees, but they had decided to take out their anger on Changkyun, and he shouldn't have allowed it to come this far. Hyunwoo had talked to K.Will and Kim Si Dae, and even got other trainees not involved to testify. He didn't look regretful nor apologetic, his members probably had spent more quality time with some of those trainees than with Changkyun, but Hyunwoo was not a very social man, and he was acting mature and responsible.

After his confession night only a week ago, Changkyun had been working on his relationship with his band mates, and feeling more like himself. Kihyun had taken the rapper to visit his previous members, and accepted their rage and nagging, then they talked about Changkyun as a dongsaeng—Kihyun even became friends with Byunghwa. Wonho was trying to get him to exercise more and they've been spending more time together at the dorm, the older was completely enamored with the awkward cuteness of their maknae. Hyungwon was the best company in lazy free moments at the company, and also when he wanted to watch something on TV without commenting on it. Jooheon and Changkyun were spending more time together at the studio working on their raps, and they played around more often too. Opening to Minhyuk was a little bit harder but given their weird personalities and them sharing bedroom, every night they talked before sleeping, and Minhyuk was starting to involve him on his mischief at the dorm and the company.

Hyunwoo had apologized the night after for having been so harsh on him after the incident in the kitchen, and for not checking on him when he noticed the members didn't include him. He also apologized for the chat group they had without him, and for the things they wrongly said about him. Then he told him he had talked to the managers about the problem going on with the trainees; Changkyun had freeze up at that, but Hyunwoo had hug him and assured everything would be fine, and that it was necessary.

"We don't have anything on schedule until tomorrow, wanna go back to the dorm or something else..?"

Changkyun smiled at his hyung's difficulty to communicate with him. Even after they had affirmed in _Right Now_ that they weren't awkward around each other, Changkyun knew it wasn't easy for the elder to interact with him.

"Thank you, hyung; for being with me back there. I know it's leader stuff, but I also know you didn't have to do it. Let's go eat steak, appa."

 

Looking back to No Mercy, Changkyun was now a more mature and happy person. He felt realized, he felt loved. His group was having the recognition they dreamed of and deserved, they presented on big stages and in company of their favorite sunbaenims and dongsaengs; they received different awards thanks to their hard work and that of their monbebes. They collaborated with people they admired, and attended shows and participated in events no Korean group had before; Changkyun was even singing now! Naturally they had difficulties and arguments once in a while, but they tried to solve them on the same day they start, and not to hold any grudges. They accepted and loved each other just they way they are. They were closer to each other more than they ever had, they were more than friends and brothers.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ
> 
> It took me a long time to decide if I should continue the story or finish it here now that the plot is done/fulfilled(? I may make another story on No Mercy, with even more angst, and more and even longer chapters.  
> I'll be attending Monsta X concert (yay) next weekend and since it's in another state I wont have time to write or publish, so I'll leave it here. But I'll start a new story once I'm back.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting! I hope you enjoyed it ♡


	11. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please look forward to more angsty stories coming on my profile.

_Because of That One Survival Show_

**I Felt Like an Outsider**

For Longer than I should have;  
in wisdom I kept calling them mister,  
when they loved hearing Hyung.  
  I thought they were still  
giving me the cold shoulder,  
Failed to take it as  
them giving me space.  
  I took their acceptance  
as mere education and surrender.  
I took their love for me  
as manners and generosity.  
  They took my caution  
as me being private and quiet;  
they thought I was being respectful,  
not scared and lonely.  
  Time has changed this:  
I am part of the group,  
and part of the family too.  
  The time I joined their side  
wasn’t the correct one,  
but it was Never a mistake.  
  I’ve learned to love them,  
I’ve learned they love me too,  
for I am their maknae.

RV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a poem I wrote last year for poetry class, I hope you like it.  
> (A friend of mine [and the responsible for me 'finding out' about Monsta X] also wrote a lot of No Mercy related poems I might use as inspiration to write next story).


	12. NEW STORY

I just posted the first chapter of the story I told you about, this one'll be longer and hopefully more angsty :(: you can find it as Won't You Help Me Out on my profile or in Wattpad


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